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Copyright 2007 Carol Novack
From: Stella
Date: Tuesday, January 1, 2008, 8:06 AM
To drhi@columbia.edu
Subject The Sex Lives of Starfish
Dear Dr. Ichovitzsky:
I recently read your article, "The Sex Lives of Starfish," and viewed the accompanying video with your photograph on its cover. I found it all most elucidating. I perfected my PHD thesis, "The Sex Life of Octopuses" (due to be published in the March edition of "Sealegs") last night, and I must tell you that there are striking similarities between starfish and octopuses when it comes to the mating ritual; the only striking difference is (of course) the role reversal. As you discovered, it is the male starfish that gives birth, a breathtaking phenomenon, rare in nature.
When a male octopus is in heat, he wriggles his legs, just as a female starfish wriggles her points. By employing a marine audio laser, I was able to hear the subtle song of the male octopus in heat, as he wriggles his feet. Oddly enough, it sounds like a cross between Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York" and an obscure folk song by Bela Bartok that has never been published or performed. You can imagine: the song is riveting. It attracts all female octopuses within a radius of 31 miles. What happens next is truly esoteric. The female octopuses vie ferociously for first place with the male, forming a totally out of control football huddle. It's exceedingly difficult to tell what's actually going on without employing sea opera binoculars, which, as I'm sure you know, are very hard to find. I procured a pair and was thus able to discern a rhythmic flapping of a plenitude of legs all entwined. My audio laser registered a hissing whisper.
Eventually, the legs of the female octopuses form a tight sailors' milleoctocross knot and when that occurs, the male octopus jumps onto the knot as if it were a trampoline. During the ensuing mating ritual, the male bounces on this knot at a rate of 53 bounces per second and the voices of the male octopus and the female octopuses crescendo to attain an almost inaudible high-pitched screech, similar in tonality to the death song of the Samoan conch (with which I am sure you're familiar) but also reminiscent of the screech uttered by the male starfish.
This bouncing and screeching activity lasts for 3 to 346 seconds, depending on the age and physical endurance of the male octopus, who collapses and dies when he can no longer keep it up. At that point, the female octopuses sing a dirge remarkably similar to the 17th mournful aria sung by Isolde in that opera by Wagner.
At least half of the female octopuses give birth to baby octopuses (affectionately termed "little leggies") within the following three days. This gestation period, is of course, identical to that of the male starfish.
I propose that we get together to discuss the ramifications of our research. Just let me know when and where and I will make myself entirely disposable. I understand that you have been studying the mating habits of the Fijian seaworm. What a fascinating project! You must tell me all about it. Incidentally, I'm 6'1," with long red hair, green eyes, and well-developed mammary glands. Seriously, I’m kidding about the mammary glands.
Sincerely,
Stella Marinaro
(soon to be Dr. Stella Marinaro)
_______________
From: drhi@columbia.edu
Date: Tues, January 1, 2008 4:07 PM
To Stella
Subject Re The Sex Lives of Starfish
Dear Almost Dr. Marinaro May I Call You Stella:
First, let me congratulate you heartily on your innovative research techniques, your persistence in the face of adversaries, and your forthcoming article in “Sealegs.” I look forward to viewing your dissertation. Rush it over, please, and I shall give it my undivided attention, just as soon as I have completed my article on the Mediterranean Ariafish, and my research project on oceanic zoology off the southern coast of New Zealand.
Now, to get to the heart of the matter, I am frequently a man of few words, and I am still somewhat uncomfortable on my feat with English, but yet I have with humility I am told great vision. I am most intrigued by the self-description you granted me. You undoubtedly realize I am somewhat short to average in stature for a man of my gender. Yet, your proportions attract me, which should come as no surprise to you, if you’ve read my article on the Amazonian Tetra. But of course, you have and you know that! Forgive me. Perhaps I am being presumptuous.
Yes, I should like very much to make your acquaintance. The only problem is that I don’t know where you are, my dear. I am not presently in the position to take off in a jet plane to meet you for dinner, as my mother has not been feeling too well of late; her mind has been wandering in the company of her body. If, however, you are in the New York City vicinity, I know a delightful Siberian restaurant on the upper west side. If you are close by and free this Friday evening, perhaps we could meet at the bar there at 7:00 p.m. They serve the finest vodka one can get in New York. Just hit the reply key and say “yes!” You know what I look like!
Oh, perhaps you could wear green? It’s my favorite color!
Sincerely,
Humphrey Ichovitsky
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